Tuesday, 22 October 2013

My Human

Meow. meow meoww, meow...ahem sorry I mean hi, I am Shadow, I must remember to use human translation on here. My human is Mummy2five, you might know her she writes on this blog. I heard her talking to my other human Daddy2five about Swell Pets and Tots100, I twisted my ears to half listen whilst licking the fresh water from the tap, they tell me off all the time about it but I just look at them and pretend to obey(till their backs are turned) Anyway, I heard them say something about competition, funny story and £500 to spend on their pet, my ears soon perked up, I even pulled away from the leaf I was in the middle of killing. I am their pet, I knew that there is no way they could tell a funny story, they would do some lame attempt and it would be about the silly ferrets or those flappy chickens so I shall tell you all about me before my human comes to find me and moves me off the keyboard.

My human if allowed would tell you about my silly sleeping habits but they are not that funny, I sleep like this: 

Now I know I don't quite fit, I am too big, so when the little human go sleep I get to sleep like this:

My human laughs and says I look funny but it is not a funny story, I mean she is so mean. I don't laugh at her when she is sleeping and man she is scary, dribbling, snoring, and looking zombie like. She tells me I am not allowed to sleep in her room and to be honest I am pleased, I don't want to wake up to that, it would put me right off my tuna.

She might have even told you about my love of food and how the vet tells her I am too fat, it is not my fault my humans are stupid and I can fool them. What I do is I meow loudly every morning, the male human opens a pouch and feeds me but then goes to see his silly ferrets I gobble it all up quick, then the other human comes down so what I do is wind around her legs as soon as I see her, it must be done before coffee has been poured, she is less alert then. I then make sure I stop just before she trips then meow and look at my bowl, I try and do a sad meow, I see her reach for the yummy pouch of food, she pours into into my bowl, I tuck in right away. She goes to put the empty pouch in the bin and every time finds the empty pouch the other human had given me. She looks at me, I look at her, she mutters something in human and opens the door for me! All I need now it to work out how to get rid of this bell so I can have bird for desert. 

What I will tell you about is the time my human got stuck on the roof! I am not kidding either, look at this picture below.

This is my human, mummy2five, here she is, she is stuck on the roof calling for help(and she laughs at me) because my other human was just laughing at her and refused to help. I tried to warn her from my roof that she would get stuck, she wasn't wearing her paws.

She says she was trying to rescue me off the roof, pfft do I look stuck(see above picture, I know I didn't need to point that out but you might be a bit doh like my human) anyway I saw her come out and start calling me, I meowed at her, I meowed that I was fine and to go back inside and leave me watching the birds. She looked worried, so meowed louder, the silly human didn't listen, she started to climb. I meowed to her that she would get stuck, I even tried to warn her that she had no claws on, my meows went ignored. I watched whilst she tried to balance on the fence and edge towards me, she would make a rubbish cat, I can do it blindfolded and go backwards, but my human just yelled wooah, ooooa, woooooooooah and retreated back to the shed roof. I meowed, this time louder, I was annoyed, she scared away the birds and I couldn't take any more. I got up from my comfy spot, checked I had my claws on with a swift stretch and leaped over to the fence. I balanced foot perfect across the fence(without yelling woah) and hopped onto the shed roof, my human looked at me, I looked at her. I jumped down from the roof and with a flick of my tail trotted of into the house smugly.

The human came down eventually, I would have left her there but I needed her to open my pouch of food.

This is my entry and I hope you find it just as funny as I do, if I was lucky enough to win there is no way I could spend it all on my self, to be honest I pretty much have all I need so she would give it to the rescue. She abandons me every Thursday, she says she is going to the cats, she is cheating on me! She comes home every week smelling of different cats, she tells me they have no home so I suppose I best share with them as she shares her chicken with me, well I say share I meant steal.

This post is an entry into the Tots100/Swell UK competition

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